Watch me change from a man to a man who hates himself.

Last night I found myself cruising through the empty streets of downtown.  Alone with my thoughts, I decided that I should find some entertainment.  I always enjoyed a good brain nap on a Wednesday night, so I continued down the main strip of the town until I arrived at the small paper mache theatre.  The title above the twin glass doors read Cine-4.  The 4 stands for the number of auditoriums.  My shoulders slumped when I scanned across the options.  Imagine That, starring Eddie Murphey(no thanks).  The Proposal, starring Ryan Reynolds and the chick from Speed(gay).  Up, starring cartoons(already have seen it, but very good).  Last but not least, Transformers 2, starring giant plastic toys from the 80's.  

I knew what I was going to do, even though I knew it was wrong.  I purchased my ticket for Transformers 2.  As I slipped my wallet into my pocket my brain screamed over and over again, "What are you doing!"  My body walked to a podium where a shaggy haired teen tore my ticket.  "You can still go back!" I screamed at myself.  I walked past the boy toward the theatre door.  I reached for the door and suddenly paused.  A tidal wave of shame suddenly splashed over me.  I had just paid to see a Michael Bay film.  Even worse, I had just paid to see a sequel to a terrible Michael Bay film.  

"Are you going to go in?" A large woman asked from behind me.

"Oh, uh... yes," I relied with great guilt.  I stepped into the theatre and took the seat closest to the door.  Sitting in front of me a women cradled a baby her arms.  A look of disgust slipped across my face.  "Who the hell brings a baby to see Transformers?" I asked myself.  As the audience settled, a fat teenage boy waddled to the front of the auditorium.  He lifted his pudgy fingers to the sides of his mouth and announced that cell phones were not welcome.  He put his hands down and started to leave when he suddenly spotted the women with the baby in front of me.  He lifted his hands back up and shouted that crying babies were not welcome either.  A smile swept across my face.  I wanted to hug him.  The theater dimmed and the trailers started.  This is where I get into the review of Transformers 2.  It has spoilers so deal with it as you may.  

I'm not going to go through the whole film but I will hit the parts that I feel are important. Michael Bay(the director) does not give a shit about anything except explosions.  The entire movie was basically plotless until an old transformer with a cane did us all a favor and filled us in, and that wasn't until halfway through the movie.  Heres the the first half of the movie.  Sam goes to college.  Sam has visions.  Bad guys want visions.  Sam runs.  Of course, lets not forget Megan Fox.  Her beauty is overplayed within the first five minutes of the movie.  The first shot you see of her, she has her legs spread on a motor cycle.  She reeks of slut immediately.  In a recent Entertainment Weekly article Megan Fox explains that a Michael Bay movie has nothing to do with acting, and she wasn't lying.  It's apparent that she wasn't putting much effort forward.  Nobody in the movie was.  This brings up the question, if acting's not important, then why are there actors?  I don't know what the director is thinking, but he's obviously not thinking enough.  This is how I imagine an audition with Michael Bay.

MB:It says here that you haven't been in many movies.

Actor:Nope

MB:Can you act?

Actor:Nope

MB:Okay, can you run on a treadmill for more than 15 minutes?

Actor:Yep

MB:Your hired.

The last half of the movie goes as follows.  Robots fight.  Racist robots show up.  Bad robots want to eat the sun.  More robots fight.  Humans fight robots.  Sam runs.  Good guys win.  Megatron gets away.  Seriously...      thats it.  Now, the action is phenomenal.  But you quickly get bored and just what to see Megan Fox naked.   Two thirds through the film I was hoping my cellphone would suddenly transform into a gun and shoot me in the face.

Overall I give this movie one shot in the face out of five.